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Rant #10

Well it’s definitely been a while since I’ve written one. Thanksgiving is literally right around the corner, thank God. I need time to keep on trucking.. Cause with each month that goes by, is one month closer to my goal.

Things have been pretty good so far. It’s fall break for stinker so we’ve been just straight chilling all weekend. Even though she’s on break I gotta continue to be productive, ain’t no break for me!

I can’t wait for the new year. Very cliche for me to say but seriously, new year, new change, new start. I can’t wait! and I’ve got something up my sleeve that I can’t wait to do. For a good cause.

Miss you so much nick. Your sis and I were talking about you earlier, I know you already know but we all miss you so much.

I miss my brother. He called me earlier and we talked for a little. I miss my best friend. I miss my family and girls.

But I just gotta keep doing me then we can all be happy and successful together later down the road. That’s my goal.

My body is in Georgia but I left my heart in Maryland.

Forever till eternity nick.

— 8 months ago
Rant #9

Sigh.. Can’t believe it’s Halloween and I’m already in bed when it’s only 9 o clock… Not having any actual friends so far really sucks…

Listening to all the awesome plans my friends are making sucks..

Not being able to partake in the festivities sucks..

Being a loner sucks…

Never in my life have I ever felt like a loner loser before..

Now to get some shut eye for my 6am shift.. Now that’s fun..

Forever till eternity
— 8 months ago
Rant #8

Things are slowly getting better down south. Relationship with aunc is better than ever. Work is going well, getting to know my coworkers over 6am shifts haha fun stuff! I’ve been keeping pretty busy, thank god. Whether it be work or cleaning I always try to keep moving. Let’s just hope it continues

I’m so exhausted right now, not even 9p and I’m ready to sleep.. Grandma status for real!

Nick I’m sorry I haven’t gone to see you in a while, I’ll go tomorrow with your sister. Your spot is always so beautiful. Fresh flowers every week. Can’t believe how fresh you keep them during the week! Like brand new. I really miss you.

Forever till eternity

— 8 months ago
Rant #7

It’s been a pretty rough last week.. Everyone’s stressed out, I’m making dumb mistakes, girls are PMSing like crazy, just not fun.. Aunt and I keep bumping heads.. Not like I mean to. I hate fighting with her, she’s very good at it. Fighting. She knows exactly what to say and how to say things that’ll hurt. I don’t think she does it on purpose, sometimes I push her too far.

I’m gonna really try to be good. I don’t wanna be an added stress to aunc. If anything I wanna just be here to help them. I hate being belittled in every size shape and form. Today I confessed to aunt a lot of things… It was a beautiful moment of her yelling at me, me taking it, me gathering all my thoughts and then spilling. We both ended up crying and apologizing to each other.

Crazy how we can be filled with anger and rage one second, then hugging it out the next. Squashed. In seconds.

She’s really like the mom I never had. And later on when I become successful and stable, I’ll show her my gratitude. I know I’ll never be able to pay her back. With everything my aunt and uncle are doing for me, teaching me everyday skills to become a better person, providing what my parents back in md couldn’t, and really wanting the very best for me.

I’ll never be able to pay them back.
But I’ll have to think of something.

Nick your picture and cover came in today. Your plate looks so cool. Never knew you could include a picture on one. It’s been rough Minho. On your mom, Hejin. Really rough. Like I told your mom, ok one week, doubly bad the next.

Show us another heart in the sky. Send us good vibes. Something! We miss you so much baby cousin.

I’ll try harder, I keep getting distracted and I need to wake up and smell the coffee myself.

Rest in paradise baby bro.
Forever till infinity-

— 9 months ago with 1 note
Rant #6 

It’s been 100 days since you left us.
100 days that you’ve been pain free.
100 days of watching over us from above.
100 days of grief, sadness & happiness.
100 days.

I can’t believe it’s been 100 days.
As I’ve said before, you set things in motion.
Keep it going.

Forever till eternity nick

— 9 months ago
Rant #5

Third and last day of training tomorrow.. I hope I like it there, I just need to get out of the house ASAP & in need of some income..

My duty to take stinker to school from now on, gotta start waking up early for that… 6:00a early O.O lord be with me!

I love driving but it feels so weird having to drive myself around (as princessy as that may sound lol)

I should probably sleep soon.. 5 more hours of training tomorrow, joy joy!

Ugh, bad day, hopefully tomorrow will be better

Forever till eternity nick

— 9 months ago
Rant #4

I can’t seem to wake up today… It feels like I worked 2 twelve hour shifts in a row.. Yeah, THAT tired.. Almost done though 😣 not in the mood to do anything even though I should be packing some little stuff.. But sigh.. Just don’t want to! Even with a cup of coffee down, feels like nothing. Really can’t wait for 11p HAHAHHA cause that means I’ll be able to sleep again Ü

Maybe just a power nap then I’ll get up

Forever til eternity

— 9 months ago
Rant #3 

Nick, is it sad to say that your passing was somehow a blessing in disguise? I guess I shouldn’t be saying that, but really. When your life ended, that’s when mine seemed to start.. I’m sorry it took me so long to wake up.. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better cousin. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more for you and be there with you till the end. Thinking of what you said to Alex Oppa breaks my heart.

Alex Oppa: I’ll take care of Hejin.
You: take care of Nuna too.

How is it that even through all your pain and suffering you continued to be so selfless. That you continued to care about others and you tried so hard to hide your pain because you didn’t want us to see you or remember you like that.

Nick I really am in awe of you. And I’m sorry it took so long for me to realize.

I miss you so much baby cousin.
Forever til eternity

— 9 months ago
Rant #2

Can’t believe how much work goes into moving.. It’s not just packing and unpacking.. There’s cleaning organizing taping painting shopping dusting wiping vacuuming scrubbing; the list continues to grow! So exhausted.. Today we finally finished cleaning the entire house. And when i say cleaning I mean on all your hands and knees wiping and dusting every inch of that house.. Ever drawer cabinet shelf molding doorway doorknob floorboard window etc…never have I ever cleaned that thoroughly in my entire life 😅 now I’m second guessing wanting a huge house when i grow up cause even if you hire a cleaning service, they did shit jobs.. So it’ll just be a waste haha

After cleaning aunt and I went shopping for the house; boy is she blowing 100s every day, she’s an ATM lol after shopping we started to paint hejins room… Fuck those 15ft ceilings!!!! Love them but right now I hate them so much… One coat took about 4 hours… Hopefully tomorrow it won’t be as difficult.. Not trynna spend another afternoon doing that..

This house is slowly becoming emptier and emptier.. So sad. Even though I only visited once a year this was my home away from home. So many memories with the kids. Ones that I’ll never forget.

Keep making things happen nick. Once you left us you didn’t give us a lot of time to sit and grieve. You set things in motion almost instantly. That’s just how you were when you were on earth. Proactive, a doer.

Forever till eternity
— 9 months ago
Rant#1

K I knew moving would be physically exhausting.. But mental too!? I have been so busy with everything from packing to cleaning to moving boxes.. Always so drained by the time dinner time rolls up… Just the little things like lining the kitchen and bathroom drawers with paper cushions takes so much energy! And tomorrow we gotta clean the entire house because the previous owners’ cleaning lady won’t call us back! DAH even though it’d cost money for her to come and clean the house id rather it be her than me :P k I’m just being really lazy but seriously who wants to wake up at 730 and clean the entire mansion like house. Then after that we gotta finish the drawers and finally start moving in some boxes…room by room as your dad would say it. We probably won’t be settled in until November.. Still so much to buy and order and put together. Sigh, it’ll all be worth it in the end right? I mean i do get all new room furniture. Just gotta work for it I guess.

Sucks we don’t have another dude in the house. We really miss you nick. Your dad’s suffering with all girls in the house lol. sometimes I wonder how things would be if you were still with us healthy and cancer free. Things would be so different. Even though we were girl-guy cousins we’ve always been so close growing up. It sucks we couldn’t experience our given names to eachother, drinking buddy. LOL! You’ll always be my drinking buddy. I mean we did have a few secret sips together :) not a day goes by where I don’t think about you. It’s so crazy how you’re really actually gone. Packings been really hard on your mom. She’s been crying a lot. Sometimes i try to cry too but no tears trickle down. It’s just a heavy lump in my heart and throat. Sometimes i feel like it hasn’t actually sunk in yet. Other times I feel like it’s kind of forgotten. Is that bad? Not that I forget about you.. But the pain really isn’t there. It’s like I’m totally numb and emotionless towards the topic.

I’m really trying hard to not get on your parents nerves nick. I don’t want them to regret taking me in. I think I have to try a little harder with getting my priorities straight so if you could help me with that that’d be great.

I think i also need to be a better big sis to your sis. She’s having a hard time juggling everything that’s going on, and I can’t blame her, it’s a lot! Just let her know you’re still there for her. Past few dreams you’ve been in of hers have just been a replay of what’s been going on. Send her a happy dream, she really needs it, especially right now.

Nick, I love you so much.
Even though I keep pondering on the why, let me accept it & send me good vibes. Continue to watch over me.

Forever til infinity

— 9 months ago